Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
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This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
What even happened today?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”