Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
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Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
[first day as detective]
Me: it looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me, pointing at bullet wound: well yeah
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
