Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
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she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
the council will decide your fate
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Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about