Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.

If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention

It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas

He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.

I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.

How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

[pulling my wife out of the sewer]

her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down

*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*

Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.

me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs

my children:

me:

my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

The cardboard doesn’t go in the oven with the pizza… does it.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)

Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

Me – I can’t find the sea salt.

Wife – It’s next to the paprika.

Me – No it isn’t.

(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

When I can’t barge, I careen.