chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
You Might Also Like
tinder is all about the long game
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
oh you homeschool your kids? that’s cool i actually homehospital myself. that’s where i avoid the doctor and go on webMD until i start crying
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
They’re not wrong
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.