chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
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I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
That’s incredible! 👌
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
I want this so bad
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
My coworker Fred got caught with an underaged girl and nobody laughed when I called him “The Fredator”
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.