Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”

Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze

The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”

me at a party:

*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*

“Woah woah hey woah”

[me attempting to breakup a fight]

daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know

[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]

Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”

MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.

Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.

I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.

[first day working at a movie theater]

guy: can I get one large popcorn

me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns

Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car