Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.

Strangers have the best candy.

My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.

I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.

Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

bad
worse
worst
worchester

Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.

me: hit me, daddy

poker dealer: don’t call me that

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

God: I shall call this a tiger

Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat

A good lesson here is that you should live your life in such a way that when you die, nobody pulls out a spreadsheet to mathematically explain why they’re happy you’re dead

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.

Life cycle of cat