Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
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My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Finally
He doesn’t bite he is more into sabotage
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
*checks Timeline*…
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious