Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
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Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.