Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.

*knocks on woman’s washroom*

Hello anyone in here?

*no one answers*

*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*

HAHAHA

*runs away giggling*

Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

Paul is coming over tonight

Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?

[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]

If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.

What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?

I’m terrible with names…

…just ask my daughter Barry

Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.

My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs

So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-

some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”

Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.

The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”

Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!

Love Mom XO