Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

My dog to the raccoon: bark bark bark

The raccoon: you’re wearing a sweater

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.

I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

I love you…

…r dog.

Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West

Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same

I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?

[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]

Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.

*Notices it’s February*

OH SHIT

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for

There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too

you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*

I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.

[dressed like Slave Leia]

Them: Haha ready for Halloween?

Me: Halloween?

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.