Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

[Burping a baby]

Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”

Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen

If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.

ufo crew: why are we hovering?

ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs

ufo crew: why not land?

ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.

wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job

Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.

they finally got him. they got macavity

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves

A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”

The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.

“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”

15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else

I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO

Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.

I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy

me in a relationship: