CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
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I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Only 1 in 6 Americans can find Ukraine on a map…
Putin is fixing the issue
by just calling it all “Russia”.
Kids, do not try this at home!
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend