Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.

I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?

me: I just don’t know what you see in me

X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.

Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no

I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.

God: you’re a decapod.

Crab: what does that mean?

God: it means you have 10 legs.

Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.

God: at least you don’t have a hundred.

Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?

Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?

Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out

TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?

Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call

In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?

“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William

?

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.

Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻‍♀️😂