Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Can I taste your pancakes?

HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.

ME:

it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken

I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.

shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way

My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.

“Have kids,” they said.

Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it

[at dinner]

Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.

Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?

(simultaneously)

Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

Twitter action film:

MAN 1: Follow me.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.

MAN 2: On Twitter?

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man

me: hey, you wanna get outta here?

museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue

My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.

I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

If the shampoo and the conditioner finish at the same time, one of them faked it

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

a McRib killed my tapeworm

Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.