Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
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them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
i like to flex on them by shrugging
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different