chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
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*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
What.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
Me :
All Day At Night
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”