Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:

– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong

Big Sex has us all fooled

The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.

Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online

Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”

I love snow

– People who never shovel

having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head

Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.

I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am

Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.