Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?

I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore

The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.

Turkeys really only have one day a year and it’s a bad one

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.

(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)

Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.

When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.

*Dies eating gas station sushi

Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.

Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”

Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:

Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again

One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”

In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.