Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
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a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a jacuzzi.