Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”

The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.

Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”

Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.

7-year-old: What’s for dessert?

Me: Eat your dinner first.

7: I need a goal.

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.

boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA

[later]

cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….

[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.

I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.

Oh, wait.

That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.

I’m the second most successful guy.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”