Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

They’re the worst 😩

you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:

“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”

well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:

“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”

BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.

4yo and my husband made pasta from scratch for dinner. 4yo took one bite and said “this is the best meal I’ve ever had, please can we make this again” then promptly left the table and ate no more. Bless preschoolers.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

Twitter is a great place to befriend people who you’d never let in your house.

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.

Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder

Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?

Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.

My coffee and I used to be hot. Now, we’re just bitter.

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over

My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.

When Hulk wrecks shit he’s “incredible.” When I do it I’m “causing a scene” and “need to leave this Arby’s immediately.”

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.

I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.

It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.

Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?

Ok but actually

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat