Chiropractor says just a few more visits and he can pay off his jet ski.
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MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I told my three year old that AI might go away and he wept for five fortnights at the thought of losing his large language model mother (my AI girlfriend)
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.