Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”

Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.

I’m sure it’s fine.

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.

A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves

I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

Here’s a conspiracy theory, your parents conspired to create an idiot

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*

Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!

Me: That’s exactly what that is.

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.

There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.

a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?

Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.

I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do

Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.