Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”

My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

her: we’re engaged, Dad!

her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first

me: you’re not really my type

You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.

Karen: Are we ok?

Me: [removes earbud] Yes.

Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means

Me: I need to go for a run to clear my head.

Also me, 500 feet down the road: OK that’s clear enough.

i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??

Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot

My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.

If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”