chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
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my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I bet the first person that had a flush toilet in their house were mocked by someone saying something like “Ooh, Mr fancy pants is too good to shit in a bucket and throw it out the window. Ooh”
Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”