Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me recordaron éste meme

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”

– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out

My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.

Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.

Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.

Nobody puts baby in a corndog.

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”

In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.

I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs

He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.

The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.

white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone

I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?

6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God

“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up