Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.

You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

My mom came out of light anesthesia just now and she’s yelling about how nice and thick my hair is, hey I’ll take the compliments where I can get them

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”

extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed

Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other

You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.

I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?

People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?

RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/