Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement

Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.

A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you say that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there

That incredible ability of cats to only throw up on carpeted floors.

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.

*does that thing*

Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!

Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!

*three weeks later*

Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!

Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!

*day of that thing*

Me: oh no

Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!

Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out

Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…

Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”

We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.