Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.

My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.

Me: “Are you even listening to me?”

My son:

Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming

I’ve been lied to my entire life

I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.

When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.

To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.

Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

Day 2 of my diet

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.

You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.

[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out

Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”

A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”

For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

If looks could kill

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.

ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?

HER: what? they’re not for sale!

ME: this is preposterous

HER: no, this is a daycare

someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.

Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*