Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
You Might Also Like
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter