Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
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Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
I really want an emotional support octopus so I can train it to slap people and shoplift.
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh