Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
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If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Sucks in stomach. Another chin pops out.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in