Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
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So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Me: [Nudges friend] You should see what I just wrote on the bathroom wall.
Friend: Uh… You do know we’re at my house right?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Boom, boom, ching!
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet