@Moemontes

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

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@mulegirl

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

@XplodingUnicorn

Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?

Me: Every night

Priest: What’s their favorite part?

Me: When Frodo destroys the ring

@JackieluvsUK

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

@KevinFarzad

Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it

@caliluvgirl77

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

@cbdoubleu

Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.

Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?

*gets leg dropped*

@BBQJones28

Family cookouts are spent telling me to “stop…don’t say that”

@StarWarsProblms

Vader: I AM your father.

Luke: Why are you telling me this now?

Vader:

Luke:

Vader: I need a kidney.

@jaboukie

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

@ChaseMit

Just found out Fox News’s website has a Science section, which I assume links to a video of Sean Hannity screaming at a biology textbook.