@Moemontes

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

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@HollyHeals

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

@WilliamAder

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

@Johnniemmanuel

If You cannot produce a baby in 1 month by impregnating 9 Women, You’re not a man yet!

@JohnLyonTweets

[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.

@PinkCamoTO

This is the way the world ends.

Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.

@dadmann_walking

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

@KevinFarzad

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

@ItsAllBollocks

Guy: *slides into my DMs* hi
Me: *opens back door so he slides straight back out* bye