Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
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if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?