Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
You Might Also Like
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
your daddy is a what now?
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
What’s the perfect gif to let everyone know an alien invasion is underway? A prompt response would be appreciated.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
no offense but it feels like the “cicadas that come out every 17 years” happen every single summer…
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Autocorrect is my menesis
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
