@JasonLastname

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

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@Jake_Vig

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

@jp_mcdade

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

@Reverend_Scott

[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?

“Abolishing slavery.”

And…

“Slaying vampires.”

Very good.

@NewDadNotes

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

@AbbieEvansXO

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

@crushingbort

sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world

@beccafacexo

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

@Not_James_Vogel

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

@robfee

The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls

@SomthinBoutSara

Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.