Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
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Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.