[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
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Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
sometimes when a man and a woman love each other very much they decide to bring a tiny shitting bald man screaming into the world
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
The best thing to do on New Years Eve is set the microwave timer with the countdown so the first thing that happens that year is Pizza Rolls
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.