Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.
You Might Also Like
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Now that it’s abandoned nudes, I hope Playboy goes with its other major brand identity and becomes a magazine about a very fancy rabbit.
Giving away valuable art secrets.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
My Google search in case someone ever steals my phone