Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.
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“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
bicycle cop: im taking you to jail
me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you
[segway cop just dying laughing]
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.