*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
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When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
smh
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot