@JasonLastname

“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.

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@sarcasticmommy4

Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.

@jenlaw_11

“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl

@Ivsy01

Him: How was your day?

Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.

@ddsmidt

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

@LlamaInaTux

[First date]

Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.

Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount

@indiedaylie

Storks leave cute babies. Crows leave ugly babies. Swallows leave no babies!

@EJGomez

bicycle cop: im taking you to jail

me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you

[segway cop just dying laughing]

@XplodingUnicorn

7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?

Me: I don’t know.

7: I thought you went to college.