“Chivalry isn’t dead,” I say, watching one zombie hold the door open for another.

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1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!


Shit. Damn it. A bumper sticker just changed my entire worldview, again. This happens like 3 times a day.


Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.

Anyone want to trade jobs?


Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.


When your mate says his name is Stephen with a ‘ph’ to the cashier and he gets his Starbucks cup back reading ‘PHEVEN’. That.


Her: I’m so glad to finally meet you. I usually don’t meet men from the internet because they could be a serial killer or something. Hahaha.

Me: Hahaha. Define “serial”.


Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.

Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

Me: When hippos-

Date: Yeah, I heard…


Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.


[glances toward living room stenographer]

“Please read back what my wife said 45 seconds ago.”

stenographer: I promise not to get mad


Just shaved my beard and I feel kinda naked without it. I’m also not wearing any pants but I’m pretty sure its the beard thing.