Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet birds love this building.

Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed

I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.

FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.

Just tried to put my seatbelt on.

AT MY DESK.

I’m pretty.

[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.

One hour later she was dead.

So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.

My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.

handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.