Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

Room with a view.

Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips

Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.

*aggressively skips to my Lou*

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

Me: Turn right on Johnson Street.
Her: I don’t know the street names, just give me landmarks.
Me: Ok turn right at the sign that says Johnson Street.

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

me: whatcha guys watching?

10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie

The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket

You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…

wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched

I quit my job to become an archeologist.

My career is in ruins.

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house