[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
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Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do