Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
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I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
This meal prepping shit easy
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Friend: Since 2024 is almost over what have you accomplished this year?
Me: I don’t like your tone
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race