Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart

Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us

been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.

Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.

Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

#NationalGardeningDay

According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

[the middle of showering] I need a break

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

Me: who ate all the cookies!?

Toddler: it was the ninja

Me: did you see the ninja?

6yo: well no it’s a ninja

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.

#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Spreads legs… Nope

Spreads two other legs …. Nope

Spreads two others …. Dammit, no

Spreads last two…. BINGO!!

– spider sex

Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.

My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”

had to share :’)