Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake

When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

me: push!

wife: [in labor] I AM

me: push harder!!

wife: I CAN’T

me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.

16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.

My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…

Can’t

I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am

You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.

5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!

Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!

*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*

wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?

“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that

I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.