Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
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*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
when there are deer in the woods
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
My father (68, white, straight, male): “Hey, can you explain this bear in the woods thing to me? I don’t understand. Obviously, women would rather meet a random gay man in the woods. But why does he have to be a bear?”