@jctwritesstuff

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL

- @jctwritesstuff

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@Fickle_Filly

Me: I’m going shopping.

Him: If you buy more than one pair of shoes I’m divorcing you.

Me: Deal!

@huntigula

[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]

@lawrence_bear

Apparently sleeping your way to the top, doesn’t mean dozing off in meetings or taking naps in the copier room.

@Adam_Kingsnorth

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

@JElvisWeinstein

“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother

@HopeUproar

Go to Target for shampoo. End up leaving with a blender, new pajamas, a couch, four kids and a car.

@bingowings14

Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.

@AbbieEvansXO

[alternative timeline]

Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school

Hitler: [clenches fists]

Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist

@QuinOShea

When my wife said let’s do something fun for our anniversary I had no idea she meant together. I’m a man not a mind reader. I forgive you.

@KevinBuffalo

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava