Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE

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Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping


The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?


Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? Just for the Christmas period.


My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.


“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”


Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .

Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.


Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar?

They each got six months


I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.


I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”