Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
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Good point.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime
DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?
ME: this chair isn’t regulation height
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.