[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
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When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Check your privilege
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity