[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
You Might Also Like
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Happy birthday to all the women
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Me, adding fuel to the fire: I’m just here to help
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?