Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
You Might Also Like
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Small talk is good for your sanity because you can have a short, pleasant exchange with a stranger and then feel good for a minute because you tricked yourself into thinking maybe not everyone is insane
we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
That’s not how days work.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi