Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
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If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
“Look, I’m not going to sugar coat it.”
-why my donut shop failed
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.