Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”

Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

Q: What’s worse than finding a horse’s head on your pillow? A: Realising the horse is alive and well and how much did I drink last night?!

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls

You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.

“A Game of Phones”

You better watch out

*cop throws the book at me*

*I throw it back at him*

Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*

Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.

Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM

batter: *hits homer*

Simpson: ow

If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.

There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.

If only.

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

[first date]

Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*

accurate

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality