*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast
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“omg you’re a paramedic! what’s the worst thing you’ve seen?” bro my paycheck
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Plugging your phone into your work computer: “Would you like this device to access your photos?”
No! Abort! Abort!!
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors