Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad

Friends come and friends go.

Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.

And the ones that bring beer.

Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.

*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*

“Not again.”

[Swedish massage]

masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*

I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

apparently this year was written by stephen king

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.

*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon

How much room do fungi need to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.

You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.

78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.