Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
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The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
figuring out my emotional availability:
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
I want a ticket to anywhere. #FallonTonight
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.