Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
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“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.