Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
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ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
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ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful