Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
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Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Don’t make me out nice you.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?