Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud

Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

Brain: that was a good cookie

Body: here’s 4 pounds

Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand

She’ll love it

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

*visits random websites just for the cookies*

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

Today my 4 year old son said to me ‘Dad, can you put my shoes on?’
I replied, ‘No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.’

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..

Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

Imagine you flip to a guys stream after dieing and see this

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely