Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
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Saw an article on “100 things to do before you die.” Was surprised Call 911 didn’t make the list.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Cramming a band’s entire discography hours before a show just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
I’m listening
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.