Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
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COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.