Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
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Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
about to have the best blueberries of my life
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free