If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
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If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, “Guys we totally suck at losing money.”
media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Never trust an anti-aging lotion that has an expiry date.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
If you smell something bad never ask what it is. Someone could say it is your upper lip. There is no known comeback for this
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me