@behindyourback: Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn't hiring.
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@PaperWash: [god creating seahorses] angel: any more ideas for animals? god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
@AmishPornStar1: Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans. Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
@CovertAgentP: Don't buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
@danfishbach: Give a man a fish and chances are you won't be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.