@behindyourback

Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.

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@OfficialBanks93

If a murderer wanted to lure me out of my room all he’d have to do is turn off my wifi cause sure as shit i’m gonna see why it aint working

@juliussharpe

If a non-profit accidentally makes a profit they must be like, “Guys we totally suck at losing money.”

@jaboukie

media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong

@aparnapkin

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

@demented_Ash

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

@senderblock23

If you smell something bad never ask what it is. Someone could say it is your upper lip. There is no known comeback for this

@ThugRaccoons

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

@truegritrumble

FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*

@longwall26

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me