Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*

Guy: *stunned silence*

-Single Mama on a date

One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.

At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item

Cashier: Are these good?

Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering

[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you like

HER: I really get off on exhibitionism

ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool

PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band

ME: Ok

[later at gym]

ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.

Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?

Me: Not to you

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Insecurity guard……….

Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.

*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.