Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
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Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.