Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
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Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
finally
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.