Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
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Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.