Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…

They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?

[bleeding out]

ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?

ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.

[God creating bears]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes

[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.

“Will you stop CHOKING?”

First Aid in my house, apparently.

Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.

Eventually they’ll break.

God: ok u can make one human that’s it

Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

[at the bar]

Me: Let’s settle this like men

Him: *pulls out knife*

Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*

When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.

Me: Where? The basement?

Daughter: No, up in my room.

Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?

Daughter:

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.