Choose your fighter
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People who hate candy corn love telling you.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.
Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?
CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.
Me: …Oh
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
the ultimate problem with the coyote’s approach is that he gives up on each method after a single failed attempt. some of the greatest achievements take many, many tries to succeed. the acme company makes fine, reliable products. the coyote must learn the virtue of persistence
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free