Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Conditioning my hair in the shower]

Me: *rings bell*

My hair: *salivates*

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.

– me receiving an invitation of any kind

I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container

i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.

Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.

There were no tacos in there. Please send help.

Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?

Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore

I’ve just seen someone in a twitter thread drama respond

‘I’m not reading all that you parcel’

and why are commonplace words used as insults just so fucking funny and so much more devastating than anything else you could spend ten minutes of your life trying to choose

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

My Guy

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

You have been warned.

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.

ME: Yes.

APPRAISER:

ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.

#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.

I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.