Choose your fighter
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the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.