Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Laundry:

Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?

Cannibals.
And also a fork.

[at the pool]

4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?

Me: so nobody steals it

4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.

Me: most thieves dress like regular people

4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow

her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?

*knock at the door*

me: yes

inmate: hey man why so sad

me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone

inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?

me: not the one with the file in it

if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

me: [tries to write “perfect”]

my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools

Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.

We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!

Pedant: Actually…

[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”

The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”

Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?

Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.

Gwyneth Paltrow I received the message you sent me last night in my dream and will proceed with the plan

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.