choose your fighter(holiday edition)
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Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
The kid next to me on the flight sang we don’t talk about bruno pretty much the entire time and had the audacity to keep calling me mom
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.