choose your gary
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me after eating Cheetos
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
This is a true ally.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.